Saturday, May 02, 2009

While the Fortress Burns

Yesterday, our esteemed and hard-working United States House of Representatives to the Congress began investigation the important and economically stimulating issue of championship playoffs for college football. It shouldn't be long now, before they turn their attention to NASCAR. I'm sure Congress will make sure they mold NASCAR into a pastime that is fair, ecologically friendly, and politically correct. The following is some examples of legislation we may expect Congress to pass concerning NASCAR:

All vehicles participating in each event will produce a fuel mileage of no less than 50 miles per gallon.

The top speed of any vehicle participating in each event shall not exceed 55 miles per hour.

Any participant who is female, African-American, Hispanic, Homosexual, or an undocumented immigrant shall be awarded, at the start of any event, a 20 lap lead over any other participants.

For safety purposes, spectators shall be separated from the track by a 200 foot tall, 20 foot thick reinforced concrete wall.

In order to ensure that citizens who earn less than $40,000 per year do not mis-spend their income, the following excise taxes will be levied:

1. On the price of admission to all NASCAR events a 200,000 percent excise tax will be levied.

2. On the price of all souvenirs and collectibles, a 1,000,000 percent excise tax will be levied.

The revenue collected from this tax will be allocated to funds covering a 200 percent salary increase for all members of Congress, thus returning the investment of the taxpayers to the people.

There will be a 100 percent tax on all winnings awarded from each event. Members of Congress and the Executive Branch of the United States Government shall be exempt from this tax. Revenues from this tax will be allocated to the campaign funds of all political candidates who represent the Democratic or Republican parties.

The minimum wage for all pit crew members shall be no less than $500 per hour, or an equivalent salary.

The Federal Income Tax on the wages and salaries of pit crew members shall be levied at 95%, under the "New Millionaires" tax rate.

All vehicles used in NASCAR events shall be converted to operate on wind energy by the year 2013.

I'm sure Congress will do to NASCAR what it thinks is best for every American and undocumented immigrant. The above suggestions should give them a good start.

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