This is Unreal. Can't Stop Laughing

Sandmonkey, with the help of one of his constituents, has turned his readers on to this very interesting site. The Pornolizer will turn any site into adult material. If you don't mind foul language, check it out. It is done in a separate windo, and does not affect the actual site. Try it on your own site, it's hilarious.

Superheros, Supervillians, and the Brickyard 400 Preview

I don't watch many "reality" shows, except for racing and the Barrett-Jackson auctions, but the Sci-Fi geek in me burst out of the closet when I started watching Stan Lee's "Who Wants To Be A Superhero" on the Sci Fi Channel. The eleven contestants on the show are genuine freaks--grown men and women with imaginary "super powers," in home made costumes and trying to stay in character as they negotiate the challenges. The prize for the winner is a new Marvel Comics series and a Sci Fi original movie based on his or her character. That's it; no million dollars, no new car, no dream vacation. Fascinating stuff.
The show has its bogus moments--one contestant, the "Iron Enforcer," not only didn't fit in with the others, but he just seemed too stereotypical. You see his type everywhere, the bar bouncer who is pumped full of steroids and his own ego, the bullshit war stories, the Hulk Hogan tone of voice, and, basically, a Soldier of Fortune cover boy. My suspisions were confirmed when he obviously took a dive in the second challenge, was susequently eliminated from the competition, and then enlisted by Stan Lee as a supervillian.
The aforementioned second challenge provided enough drama to get me hooked on the show. The challenge was to climb over a fence, cross a yard patrolled by two vicious attack dogs, and reach the back door of the house. Of course, the contestants were provided with full dog armor to keep them from getting too badly hurt, and were told to give the command "uncle" if the dogs became more than the contestant could handle. Two men, "Major Victory" and "Feedback," literally carried or dragged the dogs to the back door in twenty-five seconds or less. The rest of the contestents, except for one woman, called "uncle" after twenty-five seconds or less. "Monkey Woman" was determined not to fail. As soon as she entered the yard, the two dogs hit her simultaneously, and she was knocked down so brutally it jarred my bones, just watching it. Mauled, dragged, stretched out, and literally tossed around by the dogs, Monkey Woman refused to call "uncle."After nearly ten minutes of truly heroic struggle, she finally made it to the back door of the house. To witness such fortitude and courage was truly awesome.
The NASCAR Nextel Cup is all about heroism. (Admit it--you were waiting for this segue, weren't you?) One fan's superhero is another fan's supervillian, but all of the drivers are heros of one sort or another. Every driver has the ambition, courage, and fortitude of Monkey Woman to win the race, the main goal being the thrill of winning. The prize money is secondary, if even important at all to the drivers. This weekend's race, The Brickyard 400--I won't call it by the sponser's name, just out of respect for tradition--takes place at a venue of superheroic proportions; the Indianapolis Motor Speedway (IMS). Legends are made at IMS. The drama is provided by the Nextel Cup Championship structure--only the top ten drivers in points can compete for the championship in the last ten races of the season--and there are only six races left before the cut off.
Jeff Gordon--a superhero to many fans and a supervillian to just as many--is already a legend. arguably one of the greatest race car drivers of all time. If he were to win the Brickyard, the legend would grow, for he would tie the Great Dale Earnhardt in total Cup Series wins at 76 victories, and tie the phenominal Formula One driver, Michael Schumacher, for the record 5 wins in a single series at IMS. A win by Gordon will be greeted with as many cheers as boos, and Jeff considers the boos a compliment. In my opinion, he should go for the supervillian image with all his gusto. He should change his name to "The Gordon." I would like to see him wearing a black cape and a black helmet and visor. I would like to see him complete the image by flipping off the fans who boo him. But NASCAR really doesn't need that kind of hype, so it is only a vision I have in my twisted mind.
Jimmie Johnson, the current points leader in the Cup Series, has not yet won a Brickyard. He certainly has the team and the talent to do so. Time and time again, he has come back from seemingly insurmountable odds to win races, or finish in the top five. He is always there. Still, as The Gordon's "Igor," he also fits into the supervillian category as much as he fits the superhero category. Johnson deserves a championship, and he will probably get one, possibly this year, but The Brickyard is a difficult race. It is not his kind of track, and, though he will have a top ten finish, I still don't see him winning.
Last year's Brickyard winner, and the Nextel Cup reigning champion is Tony "Smoke" Stewart, my personal superhero. Of course he is seen as a supervillian to many, but not at IMS, which is his home track. Last year's win was one of the greatest emotional moments in sports history, as Smoke realized his boyhood dream of winning at IMS, to the unanimous acclaim of over two-hundred thousand fans present at the event. Infamous for his on track temper, he hit what he refers to as "the red line" at Pocono, an angry reaction causing him to "ruin the day for two drivers," in his own words. In true superhero fashion, he not only apologized to the two drivers, but took the entire responsibility for the wreck. His temper has been his major adversary thoughout his career, but, with the intensity and determination of Monkey Woman, he can beat it. He is another driver who can be considered among the greatest, and a repeat win at the Brickyard this year is very likely.
Kasey Kahne, who finished the Brickyard second last year in a tight race with Smoke, is absolutely seen as The Knight In Shining Armor by many race fans. There is nothing villianous about the cute little guy, and he is another driver who would achieve unanimous acclaim from the fans if he were to win. He is the winningest driver so far this year, with four victories. There is no doubt that he has the fortitude it takes, and the talent, for he is driving a car that has been considered an underdog in many races, especially on the long tracks like IMS.
His partner, Scott Riggs is an underdog, but he can be very surprising. Missing the Daytona 500 due to poor qualifying time, he has refused to give up, and has had a few top ten finishes this season. He had some good practice times Friday, and should be considered a contender. It would be a surprising win, but it would begin the making of another Legend.
Speaking of Legends, stamina, endurance, and fortitude, there is Mark Martin, who has never had a win at IMS. In spite of his retirement last year, he is still racing full time in the Cup series. Many, many fans see Martin as a superhero, and he deserves the reputation. It is really fun and exciting to watch him race other drivers door to door, and I can truly imagine the reaction of the crowd if he were to take the Checkers. If this is really his last full time season in Cup, a Brickyard victory would be a good thing.
And there's the Rookie Wonder, Denny Hamlin. Already legendary in his first year in the Nextel Cup Series, with two wins and many top ten finishes, The Kid is a natural superhero. He is driving the same car in which he one the two races at Pocono this season, and that is one great steed to ride. His crew chief, Mike Ford is an experienced winner at IMS, so don't be surprised if Rookie Wonder puts another notch in his belt.
The biggest surprise could be Ken Schrader, who has been retired longer than Mark Martin, but is still driving full time in Cup. He could be considered the Master Mentor, although his winning record has been sparse lately. He procured Ernie Irvan's first sponsor in NASCAR Cup back in 1992, which happened to be Dale Earnhardt Chevrolet. And more recently, he encouraged Carl Edwards to promote himself to the NASCAR team owners. The venerable Schrader lives to race--he knows nothing except racing. A win for him, at the legendary brickyard, in the legendary Wood Brothers Racing's legendary #21 car, would be truly legendary.
Well, it's shaping up to be a super weekend, and it should be great fun watching the Brickyard 400. Good luck to all the fans and their favorite superhero drivers.
And, oh yeah, Go Monkey Woman, Go!

What I do on an Off Week (Corrected)

Without a Nextel Cup race, last weekend, I had to find some other things to write about. Yes, there was still plenty of racing, and I enjoyed watching it, but I do enjoy other forms of entertainment as well.
There was once, on Fox, an excellent science fiction program called Firefly. The story was unique, and had a loyal fan base. Produced by Jos Whedon, of Buffy The Vampire Slayer fame, the character developement was captivating, the story lines enrapting, and the show had a fairly large, and very loyal, fan base. Unfortunately, because the show's Friday night ratings were not quite up to what Fox expected, and because Whedon's style takes time to develop the action, Fox pulled the plug, in a move which many of us felt was premature.
Recently, I checked out from the library a DVD set of Firefly: The Complete Series, as well as the companion movie, Serenity. I'm still hooked on the show, and it's unrequited love.
It's a Western, it's Science Fiction, it's two genres in one. There is an elaborate socio-political structure in the future world of Dragonfly that is presented by subtle implication. The Chinese have taken over the world and many of its extraterrestial colonies. Everyone speaks Manchuran as fluently as they speak English, and the Feds are seen as a benevolent, yet oppressive governmet. While the core worlds of the Federal Union have all the futuristic technologies one would expect, the fringe worlds, those which the Feds have ignored, are cut off from that technology and live in the 19th century. Thus the dual genre.
The people of the fringe worlds depend on starfaring privateers like Malcom Reynolds. Reynolds, or "Mal," as he is called by his friends and crew, for vital supplies and trade. Reynolds wsas a soldier in the resistance movement, fighting for freedom from the Feds. (As a Libertarian, I find this theme very enticing) After the defeat of the resistance, Mal procures a "Firefly" class cargo spaceship and goes into business for himself. He gathers a crew, consisting of his second in command from his resistance unit, her husband, a rogue outlaw from the Fringe, a "Shepherd," or pastor, a professional Companion, a fugitive doctor who rescued his sister from the sadistic experamental phsyc labs of the Feds, that sister, and a girl-next-door. The interaction of Mal and his crew of misfits is what the show is all about.
Mal is a leader who likes to run a tight ship, no easy task considering the outcast nature of his crew. He is tough, but compassionate; selfish, yet humanitarian. In one episode, commisioned by a sadistic black marketeer who tortures those who fail him, Mal and his crew heist a train cargo, from under the noses of a Federal platoon which is on board the train. When the crew discovers that the stolen goods are much needed medication for the world they are on, Mal returns them to the people of the world, risking the wrath of the kingpin who hired him.
The show was rich in characters--all the fringe world people Mal has to deal with are out for themselves, and the trade business is extremely risky. There are no alien races, everyone is somewhat human, although the behavior of some is quite alien. Take the Reavers, for example. The Reavers are a horde of spacefaring berzerker barbarians, whose only purpose in life is to "rape you to death, skin you, eat you and kill you, in that order." The Feds deny the existance of the Reavers, but the crew of Serenity has a few run ins with them. The secret origination of the Reavers in revealed in the movie, so I will not give it away here.
There was eye candy galore, for any gender, and the action would satisfy fans of both Western and Sci Fi shoot-em-up fans. That is the type of show it was.
To understand the movie, Serenity, you would most likely have had to seen at least three episodes of the show--no matter which episodes, any three would do. It fills in the gaps which were left out of the truncated twelve episode series. It is definitely a cult experience, and if it hadn't been curtailed, it would have been as big as Star Trek.
I would have liked to see the show continue on and on, but unfortunately that wouldn't happen. I'll just have to settle for watching the original twelve episodes over and over again, and enjoy it.

Pocono Lived up to Rep, So Did the Drivers

Someone forgot to tell Denny Hamlin that Pocono was supposed to be a hard track for rookies to learn. In June, his very first time at the track, he took the pole in qualifying, then went on to take the checkers.He repeated both feats at the Pennsylvania 500, Sunday, and made it look easy. The only other driver who has accomplished a sweep at a single track in his rookie year is Jeff Gordon, who swept Martinsville in 1994. Gordon is widely considered to be one of the all time greats in NASCAR.

The race would have been fairly mundane if it hadn't been for our man Tony "Smoke" Stewart. Early in the race, he retaliated against Clint Bowyer, who was seemingly trying to run Smoke into the wall. Smoke saved his car and chopped into Bowyer, to teach him a lesson in "Give and Take," and knocked Boyer out of the way. Bowyer, on his way off the track hit Carl Edwards, who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Now, everyone knows that this is a Tony Stewart fan's blog, but I think I can be objective here. There are times that Stewart should show restraint. He can't always the other driver to respect the unwritten rules of racing sportsmanship--after all, everybody is in the race to win. So, I wasn't surprised when Smoke was black flagged, and had to take a penalty. It was only fair. That type of racing has been part of NASCAR from day one, and so has the rough driving penalty. Fan as I am, this incident is of the type that can be expected from my favorite driver. And, as many fans know, there are many other drivers in NASCAR who would have done the same thing, and take the same penalty. I'm not arguing that it was Bowyer's fault. True, he shouldn't have been there, and he probably didn't want to be there, but circumstances and a loose handling race car put him there. We know there is going to be contact in NASCAR racing--that is what sets it apart from open wheel and other types of racing--but still, it is the driver's own responsibility that would determine the difference between a racing incident and a rough racing violation.

Poking Around

For seven years I faithfully attended the NBS race at Pikes Peak International Raceway. It was the one local event I looked forward to every year, planning nearly a year in advance for each race. I won't be going this year. Why? Because ICS, with all the money they have to throw away bought PPIR and shut it down!!! ICS and NASCAR moved my race to Martinsville, as if there aren't enough races in that part of the country. Why did they shut down PPIR. With no forsight or study whatsoever, they thought they could build a better track near Denver. Guess what, Denver and all its outlying areas said NO. Except for the weekly series at CIR, there is no more NASCAR in Colorado. MARTINVILLE STOLE MY RACE FOR NO GOOD REASON AND I AM PISSED!


Maybe I can get over it. I have said before that Pocono is one of my favorite venues in the NASCAR Nextel Cup circuit. Indeed, this looks to be a good one, judging by the performances in practice and qualifying. I'm just going to skip watching "Another for my Brother," which would make me ill in more ways than one, and enjoy tomorrow's race, with MRN or PRN tuned in on the radio. Sorry, no picks or track analysis this week. I am suffering from withdrawal.
I WANT MY RACE BACK!!!
Enjoy the race and good luck to all the drivers of all the fans.

I'm thinking, and it's overheated my brain.

I'm thinking...
Erin Crocker should deliver a kick to the 'nads to the next guy who intentionally takes her out of a race.
Jimmy Spencer doesn't know donkey doo about racing.
Juan Pablo Montoya in NASCAR is a good thing for both the fans and the sport.
Montoya in NASCAR has already been good for Reed Sorenson.
Picking on Jeff Gordon is fun.
I should stop picking on Jeff Gordon.
Michael Waltrip may be bipolar.
With all the advance promotion, Talledega Nights probably sucks.
Somebody should make a TV deal for Sprint car dirt racing.
TNT actually had good camera coverage at NHIS--they did a good job of showing all the racing--between the commercials.
Two years ago, Tony Stewart wouldn't even have talked to the press about the run-in with Newman.
"Newman!!!"
When ABC/ESPN takes over the television rights from NBC/TNT next year, they should use the "side by side" feature they use for their IRL broadcasts during the commercials.
I'm looking forward to Rusty Wallace doing the commentary for NASCAR races.
16 points out of 10th in the championship points isn't all that bad right now.
Jamie McMurray may not live up to expectations.
NASCAR shouldn't even give points for qualifying. The thought makes me cringe.
I'm already dreading NASCAR's upcoming week off.
Dave Despain has no credibility for me.
I have no credibility for Dave Despain.
"You may be right, I may be crazy."
Maybe I shouldn't do this:
The following cartoon is based on characters created in South Park by Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
A Highlight Moment from NHIS

NASCAR Meets South Park?

If the Cup race at Loudon was scripted, the script would have been written by South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I was working on some cartoon panels to carry on the South Park metaphor, in my analysis of Sunday's NASCAR Nextel Cup race, but it turned out to be somewhat time consuming, and may not have been worth it, funny as it was, because we who use Blogger never know if it will upload our pictures successfully.
So, I'll present some narrative of what I had planned.Because it's funnier if you think of the players as South Park characters.
Tony Stewart, played by Kyle Bratlowski, had the car to beat, that was the consensus of most of the drivers who commented on it. Even the winner of the race, Kyle Busch (Butters Koch), expressed some regret that he couldn't race Stewart for the finish. What had happened is that Ryan Newman, played by Eric Cartman, had some kind of hissy fit while Stewart was about to put him a lap down, and deliberately ran Stewart into the wall. The accident made it necessary to replace the radiator in Stewart's car, putting him 23 laps down and out of the top ten points standings.
While millions of Stewart fans screamed "Oh frak!"--at least those who watch Sci Fi's Battlestar Galactica, the rest yelled another F-word that has the same meaning and purpose--instant Karma came into play, when Michael Waltrip, played by Tweak, dutifully holed Cartman's, I mean Newman's, radiator shortly after the next restart, putting Newman 28 laps down. The smug cloud from Newman hadn't even dissipated.
Before that happened, there was some beautiful racing going on. I had mentioned--forgetting that the curb no longer existed at NHIS--that Stewart liked to let the rear of his car kick out a little, as he exited the corners. Brian Vickers, played by Kyle's friend Stan, matched him move for move, and it was something to watch them slide the rear of their cars in unison, as they raced clean and hard. That is how good racing is supposed to look.
Well, that is about as far as I can carry the South Park metaphor, and I wish I had finished the cartoon panels, because they would have been funnier. But then, I possibly could have been sued for copyright violations, so its all for the better.
I do want to add this: Jeff Gordon, played by guest star Bart Simpson, crossed another name off of his hit list when he took Robby Gordon out of the race. This is where someone in the stands yells, "Oh my God, he killed Kenny!" which is replied to by other fans, shouting in unison, "You Bastard!"

Notable in this race is the performance of Reed Sorenson. Many of us recognized his talent while he was racing in the NASCAR Busch Series, and many of us felt that if he had better equipment, he could be a real contender. He proved that, leading the race for several laps, and, if he hadn't run out of fuel, could have given Kyle Busch some serious competition for the checkered flag. With Juan Pablo Montoya coming into the Ganassi fold, maybe car owner Felix Sebates has finally seen the light, that maybe he should try to get better equipment for his drivers. At any rate, Sorenson in good equipment is a good driver.

I am warming up to Kyle "The Shrub" Busch. He is obviously learning, and he is showing some humility, as much as can be expected from the cocky Busch Brothers. I thought it was quite gracious of him to mention that he would have wanted to race Tony Stewart to the finish. He raced to victory clean, no longer showing propensity to run other drivers off the track. He does have talent, and is certainly a future Cup champion.

I have never had anything against Ryan Newman. He's a competent driver with a steady hand on the wheel and, when it suits him, exhibits better than average car control. With all that, in my opinion, and with his touted Engineering degree, he should have known better than to floor the accelerator in the middle of a turn. But, in the end, that's racing.