Friday, October 05, 2007

The 'Dega Factor

Notice: The author of this blog is undergoing a fit of snarkiness. Please take everything written here with a grain of salt.

We all love mysteries. The best kind of mystery is the one that has so many twists, subplots, and surprises that it keeps us guessing until the very last page.
We'll set this mystery at the site of an old Indian burial ground in Alabama. Strong forces are at work. But are they physical forces, or a Spiritual force that defies all physical explanation?
The main characters number forty-three, with another forty-three supporting characters. At least seven of these eighty-six are villains, with more evil lurking in the background. There are over a hundred thousand minor characters who all figure into this mystery.
The name of the place is Talladega, a 2.66 mile D-shaped oval. Twelve out of the forty-three heros all quest for one object--the coveted Nextel Cup, the last one in the future history of mankind. Only one may capture it.
But that moment of capture is far off, for first an icon called the Checkered Flag must be collected. If it isn't, it is important to each of the Chasers, as those on the quest are known, to finish in front of the other eleven. And, there are thirty-one additional heros questing for the Checkered Flag.
The most popular, by far, of the thirty-one non-Chasers, is The Golden Child, Dale Earnhardt Jr. His following is multitudnous--fanatical worshippers who would throw a beer can through the windshield of a competitor, possibly causing serious injury or death at 190+ miles per hour, rather than seeing their hero lose. Dale, Jr. himself is a humble man, and a very talented driver, warranting much of the accolades heaped upon him by the rowdy multitudes. He can do no wrong in their eyes, even when he admits it and apologizes for it. If he runs into mishap, his fans say, it is because those close to him are out to stab him in the back. There have been claims that Junior's second cousin, Tony Eurey, Jr, is not really related to him, and that he is only going to Hendrick so he can sabotage Jr.'s car and spy on HMS for the Evil Teresa. So Talladega will be Tony Eurey, Jr's last chance to destroy Jr's car before he leaves DEI. Meanwhile, the Evil Teresa may not be done yet. She has been known to put miniature explosive devices in Jr's engines to make them fail with six laps to go in a race. But none of that should matter, because rookie Jaques Villeneuve is going to wreck the entire field by lap 182. Or will he?
With all the positive Spiritual energy emitted by the Jr Nation, as The Golden Child's following is called, Dale Earnhardt, Jr may prevail, escaping all the traps and pit falls being laid for him. This is the type of quest at which he is best.
There will be others who want to achieve that goal. The mean and nasty Tony Stewart--who has been known to take out the entire field just to be mean and nasty--posted the top speed at both practices. He is determined to win, even if it means taking out his best friend.
The evil Kyle Busch will be out for revenge, because The Golden Child accidently took him out of the running for the Cup, or so it seems. He may be driven to take out Junior, especially if he goes down a lap, for he will have nothing to lose.
Then there is the greatest Villain of all, The Gordon, and his non-identical clone JJ (Jeff Junior, aka Jimmie "Unibrow" Johnson.) They make up their own rules as they go through a race, with the blessings of the Gods, Mike Helton and John Darby, and the Devil Hinself, Brian France. One of the two is favored to win, not just the Checkered Flag, but the Holy Cup itself. We don't know which one, but since they are clones, it doesn't matter.
We honestly don't know what will happen. We will just have to wait for the last page on Sunday.


Tiredawg said...

Truth be told, I kinda like Shrubs too. If he just would grow up. What a talent behind the wheel. I even have ALL his diecast. Although I am not a "true" fan, I do have them for their future value. Much like Papa Gordo.

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RaceOfHearts said...

Jimmie 'unibrow' Johnson! hahaa! that is hilarious! that's really funny tho, because i make fun of him & to me it looks like he waxes his eyebrows & that he has eyeliner on most of the time too.