Dirty Mouth?

Photo Credit: David Griffin/Nascar Scene

Allstate Insurance has announced they will not be renewing their contract to sponsor the Brickyard 400 next year. I can't blame them, because ESPN never once mentioned the name Allstate in association with the Brickyard 400. As old school race fans, we love the fact that it was referred to as the Brickyard 400 and not the Allstate 400, but the sponsor of a race at least deserves some mention, as in "The Brickyard 400 presented by Allstate Insurance."

This is not the first time ESPN has neglected a race sponsor. They did the same thing with MBNA at Dover a couple of years ago. If the race sponsor does not buy advertising on ESPN, then it is the broadcaster's prerogative to ignore that sponsor. But, one would think that there would be some common courtesy involved.

In the article featured on Chicago Tribune.com, Allstate did not mention ESPN:

"The contract was up and we're always reviewing our properties and how they perform," Allstate spokesman Raleigh Floyd said. "We enjoyed working with them, and the fans are probably the most loyal in sports, but our other sponsorships were just performing a little better."

Now, if only "Allstate Insurance" had been mentioned in association with the race, that would have shown the sponsorship to be performing a little better.

Allstate's departure opens the door to other sponsorship opportunities. After seeing Jimmie Johnson, his crew, his wife Chandra, and Miss Sprint Cup Monica Polumbo kissing the bricks, I imagined them all standing up afterwards with their lips coated with tire rubber, oil, and bits of speedy-dri, and thought "This would make a great Orbit commercial."

Think about it--Orbit would be making a big mistake to pass up this opportunity. They don't have to call it the "Clean Up Your Dirty Mouth 400" or anything like that. "Orbit Presents the Brickyard 400" would be just fine.

How not to win at NASCAR fantasy games

The Rev loves NASCAR racing and loves to play as many NASCAR fantasy games as he can remember to enter each week, but he is not very good at it. We offer this item as a general "What not to do" guide for fantasy racing, compiled from personal failure experience.

Our reader may have noticed that Rev' Jim's RantsnRaves discontinued posting our weekly race previews during last season. This wasn't because we were lazy, but because we were so disappointed in how consistently wrong we were it was becoming embarrassing. Here are some of the methods of picking drivers for our weekly pick five/six/ten games that we have used (or not) to achieve such great mediocrity:

The Favorite Driver Method: Certainly our favorite driver has to be a good driver. If we keep picking him every week, he has to win and pay off sometime, right? Using this method, our pick five picks for the Shelby 427 at Las Vega Motor Speedway this weekend would be as follows:

Tony Stewart
Matt Kenseth
Elliott Sadler
David Stremme
Kyle Busch

Considering the track, this may actually be a good pick, if we are lucky.

The He Looks Good Method: This is similar to the "Favorite Driver" method, except it is based on the driver's appearance. It utilizes the same principle as "Dierks Bentley is a country music singer" or "Bruce Springsteen kicked a$$ at the Super Bowl Half-time." For example, Bentley sings a mixed style of Southern Rock/Popular Rock music with a barely discernible twang.But he looks good and we like country music, so he must be a country music singer. Or, as in the other example, Bruce Springsteen's half-time show consisted of him shouting out the lyrics to some of his greatest hits in a flat monotone--which, frankly, was very depressing to some of us who remembered seeing him perform when he was at his peak. But, he looked good, so his show was a smashing success.

Using this principle, the top five (for some fans) should be:

Kasey Kahne
Dale Earnhardt, Jr
Jeff Gordon
Elliott Sadler
Bobby Labonte

The Reverse Jinx Method:

This one always works for The Rev when he wants to score very low for a certain week. It is based on the premise that whoever you pick in your pick five, will have some kind of mechanical failure, accident, or penalty that will put him out of the race. This method should only be used if you want to see one or more of your favorite drivers have a better chance at winning, due to the fact that the least favorite drivers you picked didn't finish the race, and you really don't care about your fantasy racing results. Using this method, Rev' Jim's picks this week would be:

Carl Edwards
Paul Menard
Jimmie Johnson
Michael Waltrip
Joe Nemecheck

Of course, as always, when you expect the reverse jinx factor to come into play, it doesn't, so this could be exactly the way the top five turns out Sunday.

The Thinking Man's Method:

This is the most widely used method. You read what the "experts" think (Rev' Jim is a fanatical fan, not an expert), study the stats for each driver at the particular venue; find a trend in a driver's luck and experience that may prove favorable to his at the track in question; and try to form your own opinion based on what everybody else is saying. Using this method, The Rev's picks would be:

Jimmie Johnson
Matt Kenseth
Tony Stewart
Kyle Busch
Carl Edwards.

Note, this method hardly ever works for The Rev, and is the method he was using last year before he quit featuring the weekly race previews.

Last, but not least, The Astrological Predictions Method:
Clance' McClannahan makes astrological predictions on her blog "The Church of the Great Oval. Whether you believe Astrology or not, her predictions are often eerily accurate. Rev' Jim has not, however, posted his picks based on Clance's predictions for fear of the reverse jinx factor setting in and really screwing up the Multiverse. Instead we will follow the advice she gives, as quoted from this post at COTGO:

"Fantasy players, just close your eyes and pick a driver this week
It's anyone's dance in Vegas"

Here are some fun free weekly NASCAR fantasy games in which The Rev participates:

Driving Cash Racing--pays the winners at the end of the season. Not a big purse, but what do you want for free? Pick one driver in each of the top three series--Sprint Cup, Nationwide, and Camping World Truck Series--who you think will win each race. Even if your driver doesn't win but leads the most laps, you will get a good score.

One and Done Pick one driver to win each week, and score the driver's points for that race. Once you pick a driver, you may not use him for the rest of the game segment. Simple and fun, just like Steve and Charlie, the owners of the blog. Great prizes, especially for a free game. Heck, the prizes are better than some games you have to pay to join.

NASCAR Challenge (Facebook url, but also available on Myspace) A pick five game. Choose your line-up. You may keep the same line-up or change it every week. No declared prizes, for bragging rights and fun.

NASCAR Tipping A pick 6 game on Facebook. For bragging rights only, but lots of fun.

Whether you play or not, this weekend should give us some great racing. The track is fast, the tires are good, for once, and there are 43 drivers who are out to win. Enjoy the races and good luck!

What makes a driver consider retirement?

There are some things that a team owner will say to or about a driver that may make that driver consider another line of work. However, it isn't just the newcomers who are subject hearing such things. Tony Stewart, Greg Biffle, Jeff Gordon and a few others have all been on the receiving end of subtle and not so subtle hints that they may want to plan for retirement. The following aren't exact quotes, but are taken from actual situations or out of context from what was said.

If your name is Tony Stewart, and Joe Gibbs said something like, "We wanted you to retire with us, but if they are giving you a team, go for it," you have to think they won't miss you all that much.

Rick Hendrick to Jeff Gordon (taking creative license here): "We will do what we can to get your team turned around. Would you like to try somebody else as crew chief? Sure we'll get Darien Grubb. Oops, my bad, he's gone. Too bad, so sad." Jeff might be thinking HMS doesn't really need him all that much.

Jack Roush pretty much ignored Greg Biffle's victory at the Chase opener from Loudon. That isn't one of the cars he considered as having a potential to win the chase. When the owner tells the press that it was more because of the engineering of the car than it was the skill of the driver, you may begin to wonder what made you renew that contract.

Kyle Busch: Revenge of the Nerds, NASCAR Style?

On Wind Tunnel with Dave Despain, last night, somebody mentioned, almost in passing, that Junior Nation's picking on Kyle Busch is nothing more than the Jocks vs the Nerds. Of course, we found that idea interesting, and decided to expound on it.

There are some "fans" who claim to be of Junior Nation who strike me as being the same kind of kids who used to give me wedgies and steal my lunch money in school. These aren't the race fans who like Dale Jr and are friends of mine--decent folk who enjoy watching races and appreciate Jr's humble and down-to-earth attitude. These aren't even the fans who will boo Kyle when he wins a race, then cheer as he performs his "smoke trick" and takes a bow. The ones being discussed here are the more vocal on the web, who talk about how ugly Kyle Busch is, call him "Pee Wee Herman," call Kyle Busch fans "pee wee lovers," throw beer cans that are more likely to hit people sitting in the front rows and get coolers banned from race tracks, the folks who use Kyle's own joke he made in his Rookie of the Year speech in 2006 against him in ridicule.

These people need someone to pick on, and Kyle Busch is a good target for them, because he really does look like a nerd. He even took accelerated classes in high school, so he could graduate early. His social life must have been a mess. He doesn't look like somebody who made straight C's and got a football scholarship to college, so he more than likely received his share of wedgies and had his lunch money stolen.

But he is getting his revenge. Kyle Busch is not the kind to go running home to mommy. Instead, he is winning races. He has made the jocks powerless to do anything, because anything they do or say to him gets his response of thumbing his nose at the bullies and winning another race. He eggs the bullies on, in other words, and yells "nyah nyah nyah you can't catch me!"

Makes you want to give him a wedgie and steal his lunch money doesn't it?

Introducing "Not Your Mother's NASCAR"

The first offering of a new comic strip by a NASCAR fan, for, and about, NASCAR fans.
Please forgive the cut and paste graphics, Rev'Jim sucks at drawing.

Not Your Mother's NASCAR

Please click on picture to view full-size.

Knock it off about the hair already.

I have found comments all over the web on Tony Stewart's hair. Not only that, but somebody mentions it every time they interview him on television, and his answer is,"The more people complain about my hair, the longer it will be before I cut it."
Please stop asking about it. I would hate to see something like this happen:

Jr Fitting in with HMS

Okay, this isn't my fault. Not entirely anyway. All I did was post a thought on a thread in one of the forums I enjoy in which I mentioned "Jr," "I wish I had Photoshop," and "HMS unibrow," and a friend in that forum came up with this:

Sorry folks, I just couldn't resist!
For a very real outlook on what Dale Earnhardt, Jr. may do with Hendrick Motorsports, I refer you to yet another excellent item on the excellent blog "Trouble in Turn 2."

The Kasey Kahne Ordeal

This article is one of many we have seen of Kasey Kahne's pending legal troubles. What follows is an item we haven't seen, but, I suspect, is out there somwhere:

Now Hiring--Security Guard

Requirements: Must be at least 60 years old, weigh less than 120 pounds and be able to take a fall convincingly and sustain injuries.

Salary: Employee will be paid $15 per hour while standing post, plus 40% of all revenues received by the employer from lawsuit, settlement, or punitive damages.

Apply at the law offices of Scruem and Moore

Short Track Ecstasy

This past weekend was a short track lover's delight, with the NASCAR Toyota All-Stars Showdown, and the NASCAR CTS and Cup series races at Martinsville. There was plenty of beatin' and bangin' to satisfy every fan who is passionate about short track racing.
The NCTS (Craftsman Truck Series) has developed a habit of having close championship points competition, and this year is no different. The lead changes between Hornaday and Skinner every race. Isn't it great to see two of the original members of the series competimg so fiercely?
Talk about fierce competition, how 'bout Sunday's Cup race? Although I haven't given up on my favorite driver, yet, I am beginning to realize that this just may not be Smoke's year, but that thought did not dampen my enthusiasm for the race. There may have been a tad too many cautions for my liking, but overall, it was exciting, even with The Gordon leading. The thought never left my mind that something could happen even if it never did.
No, Jeff the Almighty didn't get taken out of the race, but he didn't win, either, which keeps my picks percentage embarrassingly low. Nonetheless, the race had everything one could expect from a short track Cup race.
Super secret insider conspiracy report: Lauren Wallace made his long awaited NASCAR Cup Series debut, Sunday, in the DEI #1 car. The driver of the Bass Pro Shops #1 car was thought to be Martin Truex, Jr, but a crew member who had returned to the hauler to get more parts for the crash cart, halfway through the found Truex bound and gagged behind the big trailer. Meanwhile, the #1 car was doing everything its driver could to put every car on the track into the wall. Young Wallace's true identity wasn't discovered until after the race was over.
When asked why he highjacked Truex's car, the young television star replied that he wanted everybody to say, "There goes Lauren Wallace, the greatest driver ever to get behind a wheel."
When asked why he didn't try to take out the points leader, Jeff Gordon, when he had the chance, Wallace implied that the time would come when Gordon least expected it.
"Poor fellow, he has no idea," said Wallace, "He'll be looking around saying, 'where's Lauren Wallace?' I'm a hundred miles away, son, ready to strike."
As of the time of this writing, no team has announced security measures to prevent Wallace from getting into another car.

My new BUDdy Kahne

Well, we already knew it, but it's now officially official. Kasey Kahne will be sponsored by Budweiser next year. Some may think that the "Cute Little Guy" doesn't fit the Budweiser image, but Kahne thinks so, Anheiser Busch thinks so, and I think so. In fact, I think so enough that I have written what could be the first Budweiser commercial featuring Kasey Kahne:


Scene: (Interior) A bar from an old western movie. Kasey Kahne is standing at the bar with a Bud in his hand. Three tough looking saddle tramps walk into the scene and order "beer" which is served in clear bottles (the lable isn't showing, of course) They drink their beer while looking at Kasey, snickering. Finally:
Tough Guy 1: Well, look at the cute little guy drinking a Bud!
Tough Guy 2: Whats a matter, cute little guy, did your mama leave you here all alone?
Laughter from TG's 1,2,3
Tough Guy 3: What happened, did they run out of milk for the cute little guy?
More cruel laughter
Not wanting trouble, Kasey Kahne turns his back on the three tough guys and starts to drink his Bud, but Tough Guy 1 grabs Kahne by the shoulder and spins him around.
Tough Guy 1: Hey! We're talking to you!
Without setting down his Bud, Kasey Kahne grabs TG 1's wrist, removing the hand from his shoulder, and, in a spectacular ju-jitsu move, throws him into the other two Tough Guys, sending all three sprawling through the bat-wing doors
Cut to bar exterior.
Kasey Kahne exits the bar, stepping around the three groaning and incapacitated Tough Guys and into the dusty dirt main street. There are four horses tied to the hitching post, but Kasey Kahne puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles.
SFX: Galloping horse's hooves.
A beautiful cowgirl rides up on a white horse and reaches down to help Kasey Kahne onto the horse so he is sitting behind her.
As the two ride off into the sunset:
Caption: Kasey Kahne and Budweiser remind you: Drink Responsibly. If you drink, don't drive.